"It's a good job I’m not religious because this is a near-hell experience similar to the queue in my local post office on a Saturday morning"

I know that my reputation may precede me but it’s amazing how I seem to have become affixed with the Sad Old Man tag!

Take the example of the recent interchange of e-mail between me and another SOM from the fire world. Being a basically helpful if somewhat lazy individual, I thought that I’d provide the attendees of one of the meetings that I minute with their papers well in advance of their early January get together. So I assemble all of this fascinating prose and carefully annotate with its Document References (another example of the SOM tag I know but experience tells me that if I don’t do this, other SOMs will complains) and alert the meeting attendees to its existence – or at least that’s what I thought I’d done!

However given the wonders of the interweb, my trusty laptop refused the VPN’s polite invitation protocols and the e-mails remained hanging in limbo (good job I’m not religious because this is a near-hell experience similar to the queue in my local post office on a Saturday morning before Christmas) and didn’t send at that instant. However with the computer switched on the VPN protocol conversation continued. Limbo turned to interweb redemption and eventually the e-mails transmitted nearly a week later on the 27th of December, while I was struggling with a sporting activity too painful to describe this soon after the holiday festivities.

So imagine my surprise when I return from this activity to find the following response (note I have edited this to protect the innocent, translate the patois and generally to make it more of an amusing read!):

“Graham,

I mean, well, really, I am not quite sure how to put this, wait it’s coming to me. You are a sad old man, that’s what I am trying to say.

Here we are on the bank holiday in lieu of the Saturday intended to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus. X is probably down the pub with Mrs X ,Y will be on a yacht somewhere around the Bahamas, Z will be racing his whippets, A is probably watching TV, still recovering from over-indulgence on Christmas day, B will be awaiting the butler to announce that dinner is served in his luxury apartment, C is passing round the port and D is still trying to work out how his kids’ new train set fits together...

And, you? Having nobody to celebrate with, you are sending out this fascinating paperwork. I, myself, got up at midday, went to the pub and caused offence by asking for an all day breakfast, which is not something they do, but they grudgingly put together for me, planned my campaign to take back a Christmas present shirt that is about 10 sizes too big for me, had the car valeted inside and out and then went to the gym to work off the all day breakfast. I now sit here contemplating what I will eat next.

Will I be driven to read the aforesaid fascinating paperwork? The decorator finished my spare bedroom just before Christmas, so, rather than read the said prose, I may go to watch the paint dry.

Notwithstanding the above, I hope that you and other recipients of the paperwork what’sname howsyerfather had a fantastic Christmas and wish all a very happy new year when it comes. Take the rest of the day off - you deserve it.”

So I did take off the rest of the day, drunk a few beers, watched some football and then placed a call to my daughter who works in a certain well known store and said: “If a bloke with a large brass neck comes in to try and bring back a shirt today then refer him to the queue that resembles the one in our local post office on a Saturday morning."

Yes I really am a SOM!