I recently spent a day being directed as how to avoid incoming ordnance and for once, it wasn’t barbed comments from other fire professionals but the real kind. You may ask: “Why does a law abiding pussycat like myself need to understand how to avoid the odd rocket propelled grenade or mortar?” Well, the understanding came at a seminar at a Royal Artillery base where we were exposed to the fascinating subject of ‘mass notification’ and before you ask, this isn’t somebody yelling: “Kilos to the right of them, troy ounces to the left of them, avoirdupois to the front of them”!

Mass notification is the provision of real-time information to people in the immediate vicinity of an emergency situation and it has its roots in the military where soldiers are given life saving messages about where incoming fire is likely to land, hence the artillery connection. These systems are now beginning to make their mark in civvy street – for example, on university campuses – and of course from my geeky point of view they are a natural progression from voice alarm for fire. Just imagine you’re on the way to lectures and the lecturer has called in sick. Well, now your mobile phone, along with those of another several hundred students, can receive a text message which alerts you to this fact, and you can then turn around and head to the nearest bar or perhaps the gym (bars were in my days but my kids assure me students are far more serious these days).

But it wasn’t just the geeky stuff that proved interesting as over lunch, the distinguished looking military guy next to me asked me what I did and in the course of the conversations, we got talking about what it takes to be competent at what you do. Picture the situation:

Him “My guys are all grade 85 operatives with a minimum of 10 years experience as required by the Defence UFO Servicing Register, that’s of course before they are allowed to work on Area 51 Systems. As little green chaps, their companies also need Dan Dare Certification from The Eagle Accreditation Institute, how about your guys?*”

Me: “Well in fire protection, in the opinion of many people, all you need in reality is a white van and a credit card and you’re up and running as a fire protection expert”

Him: “But what if they’re working on the Enterprise and James T Kirk asks them to boldly go and sort out the warp drive’s fire detection system; surely they need extra terrestrial certification from Vulcan’s Conqueror Large Galactic Department?”

Me: “No they’re not bothered, they leave it up to those of us at the United Federation of Planets’s Starfleet to police the fire protection universe, despite the fact that Klingon asteroids are everywhere!”

I won’t bother going on but my lunch neighbour couldn’t believe that life saving fire protection systems could be designed, installed and maintained by organisations and staff that don’t have to prove their competence by some official means or another! The FIA’s view is that all fire protection companies should be members of an appropriate third party certification scheme and indeed this is one of the provisos of FIA membership, unlike some other trade associations in the fire world!

After lunch, the day was wrapped up by the charismatic sportsman Sean Rose who has won world medals for both downhill and water skiing; this guy really gave me a lift and his achievements made me feel optimistic about things in general. In particular Sean has a phrase that sticks with me, namely: “Pain is temporary, but victory is permanent”.

Thus I am boldly going to ready myself for the pain before the anticipated victories that lie ahead with Dr. Spock and his cronies from VCLGD…

*Seriously to work on a UK military vehicle the guy or girl in question has to be trained and prove their competence on that vehicle by the School of Electrical and Mechanical Engineering or they’re not allowed to touch it!