One can still buzz around and cause irritation

I mentioned previously the recurring nightmare that has disturbed my sleep. Well, I sought counselling, and was advised to tell someone about the dream. So, I thought I would tell both my readers in the hope that I can return to undisturbed slumber.

In the dream, I am a fly-on-the-wall of the office of the Secretary of State at the Communities and Local Government Affairs department (CLGA). I can certainly relate to that little fly; a waif or stray such as I can make no impact on the corridors of power, but one can still buzz around and cause irritation. Any resemblance to a plot in the Yes Minister TV series is purely co-incidental:

[A copy of the Daily Mirror, open at the ‘situations vacant’ page, is on the desk of Jim Hacked-Off, the minister for Communities and Local Government Affairs under a previous administration. There is a knock on the door from Sir Humpty Applejuice, a civil servant in the department. The minister hurriedly dispatches the newspaper to a drawer, from which he pulls lots of paper and scatters it across his desk.]

Jim Hacked-Off: What! Who is it? I’m busy.

[The door opens slightly]

Sir Humpty: You wanted to see me, Minister?

Jim: Oh yes, Humpty. Come in and sit down. [The door opens. A man walks in but there is just an opaque shape where his face should be. Just outside the door there are some uniformed figures but, from his desk, Jim Hacked-Off can’t see them. They have a gadget like a TV remote control which, when they press buttons, Sir Humpty speaks. Sir Humpty sits down.]

Jim: Now look here, Humpty, I have here a piece of paper …

Sir Humpty [in a feeble attempt at humour]: …signed by Mr Hitler, Minister?

Jim: It threatens me with further action if I don’t sort out some fire precautions or other.

Sir Humpty [looking innocently at his fingernails]: Ah yes, the enforcement notice for our headquarters. Nothing to worry about, Minister.

[Jim shows his irritation and ruffles the papers on his desk, some of which are job applications]

Jim: Nothing to worry about! It says that there is a lack of understanding of the meaning of ‘responsible person’ and ‘competent person’ in CLGA buildings!

Sir Humpty: Of course, Minister. I mean, do you know what this mythical responsible person means – I certainly don’t. And where would you find a ‘competent person’ in the civil service?

Jim [calming down a bit at the compelling logic of Sir Humpty’s argument]: Hmmm, I see what you mean.

[Jim then gets a second wind, like opening the door on a vitiated fire.]

Jim: But for heaven’s sake! It says here that there is scope for uncontrolled fire spread throughout this very building.

[Jim rummages through papers excitedly – he can’t find what he is looking for, but obviously he has taken the words to heart.]

Jim: It says there is complete lack of ownership for fire safety throughout the CLGA estate. It says that even the fire risk assessment for this building is not suitable and sufficient.

[Sir Humpty leans back nonchalantly and stifles a yawn]: Well it can happen to anyone, can’t it Minister? Look at the fines dished out nowadays for that sort of thing…

[Jim interrupting and looking angry:]…But we go on about everyone else needing to have proper fire risk assessments!

Sir Humpty: [going into some sort of trance]: Proper fire risk assessments…proper fire risk assessments… proper fire risk assessments …

[There is consternation among the uniformed characters, though the Minister still cannot see them. They tap the remote control, then in desperation bang it on the wall, causing Sir Humpty to re-boot.]

Sir Humpty: Yes, Minister, but that’s them, not us!

[Jim, raising an eyebrow:] Them?

Sir Humpty: Yes, them. You know, the public, the taxpayers, the voters…

Jim: Oh them! Never mind them! What about us? And how come this notice took three months to issue?

Sir Humpty: Well, Minister, for us it doesn’t matter. We have what is known as Crown Immunity. They can’t touch us that way. As for the three months…the notice got erm…shifted around. Anyway, do things too quickly in the civil service and they’ll think we don’t have enough work.

Jim: Crown Immunity, you say. How does that work?

Sir Humpty: Well, we pat people on the head, tell them we work for the Queen so they can’t prosecute us, and, anyway, we’ll always comply with the law.

Jim: But we don’t?

Sir Humpty [as if speaking to a child]: Of course not, Minister.

Jim: And you’re sure we are cast iron on this?

Sir Humpty: As sure as night follows day, Minister.

Jim: So you mean people in glass atria can throw stones?

Sir Humpty: Yes, Minister!

….Yes Minister, Yes Minister… Yes Minister…at that point I wake up. Oh well, it’s only a dream…isn’t it?

Yes Prime Minister is now on as a stage show in London.

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